Make America Clone Again

So apparently, scientists just cloned a dire wolf using DNA from a 13,000-year-old tooth and some genome sorcery involving gray wolves and domestic dogs. Yes, the same dire wolf you remember from Game of Thrones. Somewhere in a sterile lab with bad lighting and too many grants, they decided to bring back a prehistoric predator—and it worked. The pups are alive and well, and your tax dollars probably helped pay for their chew toys.

Naturally, this got me thinking: if we can bring back a snarling Ice Age canine, why not go for broke and start cloning people who might actually fix the mess we’re in?

Let’s start with the obvious picks. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson. Raise them right, keep them away from TikTok and bureaucrats, and maybe—just maybe—they could steer our politics back to a place where honor mattered more than hair gel and identity checkboxes. Jefferson could give masterclasses on liberty; Washington could walk into Congress, say nothing, and restore order by presence alone.

And let’s not stop with the statesmen. Clone Einstein, Newton, and Galileo—let them work on clean energy, cancer, or even better: a way to bring back cheap, safe nuclear power without triggering protest tantrums on college campuses. Hell, throw in da Vinci and he’ll probably solve fusion just to pass the time between oil paintings and designing flying bikes.

In the arts, imagine Beethoven and Mozart composing AI-proof symphonies while Hendrix, Prince, Bowie, and a pack of cloned jazz legends reinvent music that doesn’t sound like a dial tone set to auto-tune. Tesla and Edison? Clone them both and finally force them to work together—though you’d want to keep sharp objects out of the lab. Also, give Tesla a marketing team this time. The guy died broke while Edison sold light to the world.

Bring back Hemingway. Let him write about this generation. One paragraph and the Wi-Fi would go out from the sheer weight of the truth. Or Mark Twain, who’d live-tweet the absurdity of modern life with the kind of wit that would get him banned by Silicon Valley’s Ministry of Feelings. And while we’re at it, give us a few Winston Churchills—maybe even one sober enough to sit through a Zoom call.

Clone Patton. One of him at the Pentagon and we’d stop worrying about misgendered missiles and start winning wars again. And Audie Murphy? If that name doesn’t ring a bell, go read a book and stop proving my point. He was the most decorated U.S. combat soldier of World War II. Don’t just clone him—mass produce him. Army of Murphys. Just like in Attack of the Clones but with grit, not CGI. Our military would go from floating PowerPoint decks to battlefield dominance in about a week.

We could drop an Aristotle into the education system just to watch him short-circuit the entire Department of Education. Or better yet, a cloned Thomas Sowell running the curriculum. That’d make the next generation allergic to victimhood overnight.

Want to fix journalism? Clone Orwell, Hitchens, and Mencken. Give them a podcast, a glass of scotch, and let them go scorched earth on groupthink. Throw in a few Anthony Bourdains and remind America that food, culture, and real conversation matter more than calorie counts and clout.

But of course, you’d need to raise these clones right—controlled environments, strong mentors, maybe a secure compound far from Hollywood, Twitter, and Ivy League admissions offices. Feed their minds, not their egos. Let them grow up reading books, not watching influencers cry on camera.

And yes, someone’s bound to raise those pesky moral and ethical questions. Fine. Clone Kant, Nietzsche, and Plato to debate it. If it gets too preachy, we’ll have Goddard, one of the brighter Wright brothers (whichever one didn’t crash), and von Braun team up with Elon to shoot the philosophers into lunar exile for a little perspective.

You may have noticed I didn’t list any famous women in this hypothetical. That’s because I didn’t want this to go off the rails with talk of womb equity and inclusive cloning protocols. And no, we’re not cloning genocidal maniacs to “thin the herd” or "manage the population". That’s just as wrong as progressive bureaucracies. That’s what ethics committees are for. We’ll clone one of those, too. Besides, any cloned Marie Curie would probably just escape the lab and win two Nobels again out of boredom.

Look, while we’ve been hand-wringing over bioethics, the PLA at the direction of the Chinese communists have probably been quietly cloning a lab full of Sun Tzus and Confucians with a side of Genghis Khan while Mao 2.0 runs PR. They’re likely three steps ahead, training a future strategist who’s part warlord, part AI, and fluent in currency manipulation. Bottom line: this is how we beat the Chinese. Not with TikTok bans or naval drills, but with genius. Strategic, unapologetic, Western genius—grown in labs and raised to restore what mediocrity has erased.

Meanwhile, we’re busy debating whether cloned Beethoven gets to choose his own pronouns.

Maybe it’s time we stop fearing the clone wars and start planning them—American-style. Not to conquer the world, but to save it from the mediocrities currently running it into the ground. If a dire wolf can come back, maybe so can wisdom. We just have to grow it in a lab..

And if all else fails, we’ll just clone Ronald Reagan and let him give the same speech he gave in 1964. It still works.

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